Temper control: A mom’s journey to calmer parenting
By Kathy Collard Miller
Finally! Mark is asleep. Rising from the rocking chair, I carefully carried my new baby over to his crib, afraid to breath and wake him up. I felt exhausted and couldn’t wait to take a nap. “I hope Darcy is asleep,” I thought.
Just as Mark’s sleeping body relaxed onto the mattress, 2-year-old Darcy ran into the room, screaming, “Mommy, I color with my colors, okay?” She held the crayons in her little hand, her limp blonde hair falling over her eyebrows. Mark’s eyes darted open and he began to cry.
I whirled around, grabbing Darcy’s shoulders. “Shut up! Shut up! I want him to go to sleep. I told you to stay on your bed! Why can’t you ever obey?” As all the pressures of the day catapulted upon me, I shook Darcy so hard her head wobbled back and forth. Her terrorized face stared at me but I didn’t care. “I don’t want to be a mother anymore,” I thought.
I turned and ran out of the bedroom, down the hall, and into the kitchen, kicking a cupboard door, putting a dent in the wood. I dropped to my knees and moaned, “Oh, God, oh, God, I said I’d never get angry again, but I can’t control myself!” I knew I needed help but I was too ashamed to tell anyone about my repeated bursts of anger.
I argued with myself. “I can’t tell Larry. He’s a cop. He’ll have to arrest me. I’ve just got to figure it out on my own.” The thought of telling anyone else terrified me. I’d already tried to tell a friend, and she had reacted with shock and condemnation. “No one must know I’m a child abuser. I’m sure things will get better as Darcy gets older.”
But my eruptions became even more violent. One day after choking Darcy in my rage, I remembered Larry had left his off-duty service revolver in our bedroom chest of drawers. I opened the drawer and stared at the gun. This is the only way. I’m going to kill Darcy if I don’t kill myself. But what will it be like for Darcy to come into the room and find me? That’s abuse too.
I pushed the drawer closed and slunk out of the room.
All the frustrations of taking care of this seemingly rebellious 2-year-old and our newborn son closed in on me every day. I just couldn’t understand why Darcy seemed to plan how she would make my life miserable. The more I spoke negatively to her, the more my mind thought of things that bothered me. My words became cruel and I blamed her for everything.
On occasion, we would have a pleasant day. I held my anger in check. Hope surged through me as I watched my happy daughter play. How could I ever be angry with her or want to hurt her?
One day, I shared briefly with a neighbor friend about my anger. She didn’t condemn me like my other friend had. She even indicated she felt angry toward her children at times. As I left her house that day, I sensed a tiny light at the end of a very dark and long tunnel. Maybe I’m not the only one. I’ll just try harder.
From that point on, I read parenting books, attended parenting seminars, and prayed for God’s help. Little by little I could analyze why I was so angry – reasons going all the way back to my childhood. I didn’t seek professional help, but I wish I had. I would have healed more quickly.
I also learned how to identify what triggered my anger. I used techniques like pounding a pillow to safely expel my pent-up energy. Reading books about disciplining children effectively, I became more consistent in responding calmly to Darcy’s disobedience. She became better behaved. Thinking positively also helped, especially after I realized I was depressed. I shared with a small group of close friends who held me accountable and offered advice.
Through a difficult process of growth for over a year, I became the loving, patient mother I wanted to be. When Darcy was 10 and in the fifth grade, my memoir titled, “No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom” was published. Darcy was so excited about my first book she wanted to take a copy to her teacher. I was shocked but agreed. She had already forgiven me and wasn’t ashamed of her mother.
Two weeks later, Darcy returned home from school with the book. Attached was a note from her teacher saying, “I love your daughter. She’s a healthy, well-adjusted little girl.” I found out later that many of the teachers and principal at her school had read my book. I was amazed.
My cry for a healthy family had been answered. I knew God had healed her and me. Over the years, Darcy and I have continued to have a close relationship.
At times in your life and mine, life seems hopeless. But there is always help available. Although I didn’t seek professional help and should have, please seek whatever community help you need.
Kathy Collard Miller is a popular women’s conference and parenting speaker, telling her inspirational story along with practical parenting help. She’s the author of 60 books including “No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom,” available on Amazon. She resides in the Treasure Valley with her husband of 53 years, Larry. Her website is www.KathyCollardMiller.com, where you can connect with her for speaking invitations. Kathy and Larry are parents of two, grandparents of two, and frequently write and speak together.