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Intelligence types

Discerning your child’s natural motivation

By Daniel Bobinski

You’ve probably heard of IQ, a person’s “intelligence quotient,” but did you know that intelligence is much broader than that? Standard IQ tests mostly measure a person’s ability to work with visual shapes, mathematical problems, language, and cognitive recall. You might say those four areas cover a lot, but Howard Gardner, from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, proposes that all humans have at least nine different areas of intelligence, and each person has several areas that are dominant, some that are “average,” and some that are not so strong.

Let’s jump right in. Here are the nine areas of intelligence identified by Gardner:

Verbal-Linguistic. People scoring strong in this area have well-developed verbal skills and sensitivity to the sounds, meanings, and the rhythm of words.

Mathematical-Logical. People scoring strong in this area have an innate ability to think conceptually and abstractly, with a strong capacity to discern logical or numerical patterns.

Musical. People scoring strong in this area have an ability to understand and appreciate rhythm, pitch and timbre. They are often adept at creating music, as well.

Visual-Spatial. People scoring strong in this area have a capacity to think in images and pictures, as well as to visualize things in their mind both accurately (concretely) and abstractly (conceptually).

Bodily-Kinesthetic. People scoring strong in this area have an ability to control their own body movements, and also to handle / manipulate objects skillfully.

Interpersonal. People scoring strong in this area have a capacity to detect and respond appropriately to the moods, motivations, and desires of others.

Intrapersonal. People scoring strong in this area can easily tune into their feelings, values, beliefs, and thinking processes. In other words, they are quite self-aware.

Naturalist. People scoring strong in this area have an ability to recognize, relate to and systematize things in nature, such as plants, animals, and other natural objects.

Existential/Spiritual. People scoring strong in this area have a desire and capacity to tackle deep questions about human existence and the meaning of life.

If you’re wondering why I used the words “natural motivation” in the headline of this article, it’s because I strongly believe that if someone has innate intellect in a certain area, then that person is naturally motivated to pursue activities in that area. With that in mind, this model is useful for parents to help their children discover the world around them. After all, if a parent and child have different natural motivations, it’s easy for misunderstandings and hurt feelings to occur. However, if a parent is aware of what drives a child’s interests, the parent can help that child blossom.

Whether your child is 4 or 14, you can look at behaviors as clues for which areas might be your child’s stronger intelligences. Here are some examples:

• 8-year-old David is gifted at assembling model ships and airplanes and seems to be a born tree-climber. He also loves doing role plays and acting in skits. Chances are that David has innate intelligence in Bodily / Kinesthetic.

• As for 6-year-old Eva, she sings with beautiful pitch and seems to pick up melodies and rhythms naturally. She can also tell you when instruments are out of tune. Chances are she has a strong Musical intelligence.

• Whenever Russell picks up a pencil, he starts drawing realistic scenes. He’s also very good at reading maps and loves photography. It’s likely that Russell is strong in Visual / Spatial intelligence.

• Simon loves doing science experiments and thinks it’s fun to solve math puzzles in his head. Memorizing his multiplication table was a snap. Here we could deduce that Simon is strong in Logical / Mathematical.

• 7-year-old Anna loves to read. She loves word games and regularly asks what different words mean when she hears adults using them. Chances are that Anna has strong Verbal / Linguistic intelligence.

• Olivia just seems to “get” people. At 12, she is the person that her friends turn to when they need an ear. She reads their body language well, and helps her friends see things from different perspectives. It’s likely that Olivia has strong Interpersonal intelligence.

• Carl can tell you all about birds and their nesting habits. He loves camping and hiking and exploring along creeks and rivers. It’s probable that Carl has strong Naturalist intelligence.

• Kaitlyn is known for seeing the big picture on many things. She enjoys being outside, and asks a lot of questions about life. Discussions about religions are always of interest to her. It’s likely that Kaitlyn has an innate Existential (Spiritual) intelligence.

• 9-year-old Hailey keeps a diary and enjoys spending time alone, appearing introverted. She is self-motivated, but prefers working independently. It’s possible that Hailey has a strong Intrapersonal intelligence.

To my knowledge, Gardner has not released an assessment for measuring preferences in these areas and none of the free ones available online have impressed me. Therefore, my company brought together some experts and together we created an assessment that identifies one’s preferences in these nine areas. It’s still in beta, so as of this writing it’s available for free, and I invite you to take advantage of that. Just visit workplacelms.com/namo to take it.

Have your spouse take one, too, and if your child is old enough (10), you can have him/her take one, too. If the child is younger, you can assist and explain each question along the way. Caution: Be unbiased in your voice tone and let your child decide for him/herself.

If your child is very young, you can strive to identify your child’s preferences by observation. Just look for the two or three strong aptitudes that stand out.

Now the big question: How can you use this info to help your child? Easy. Just visit surfaquarium.com/MI/profiles. There you will find excellent tips for how to support your child in ways your child will love. And if you have questions beyond the info provided on that site, feel free to contact me for how to find additional resources.

Daniel Bobinski, M.Ed., runs two businesses. One helps teams and individuals learn how to use Emotional Intelligence. The other helps companies improve their training programs. He’s also a homeschooling dad, a best-selling author, and a popular speaker at conferences and retreats. Reach him at daniel@eqfactor.net or 208-375-7606.

Two almost-empty nesters at a baby shower

By Beth Markley

“I don’t think I’ve ever been to a baby shower before.”

This was Mike’s confession to me as we were walking up to the door to our friends’ home on a Saturday afternoon late last year.

Had I realized this earlier, I would have thought of some way to punk him. Maybe made up some fake baby shower etiquette to share with him in the car. But, right then, on the spot like that, I couldn’t think of the right thing to say that would freak him out just enough for us to laugh about it later, but not enough for him to bolt. These things take some finesse and the look on his face had me worried.

So I just shrugged.

“There’ll probably be mimosas.”

The mom-to-be greeted us with a huge smile, wearing a flattering, floral print dress. Back when I was that far along with either of my pregnancies, you’d likely find me in a baggy pair of overalls that gave me the profile of Uncle Jesse on Dukes of Hazard. On alternate days I’d switch between one of the two knit tops that still fit. On dressier days, I might wear shoes. I could go on like that for a couple weeks.

This was a couples’ shower, which I hoped meant it would be light on the traditional baby shower activities. Anyone suggest Mike try to guess the girth of the guest of honor, or what kind of chocolate bar was melted into a baby diaper, and the bolting thing would likely happen, prank or no.

I pocketed the car keys, just in case.

There weren’t any games, thankfully. There were mimosas and a table full of food. A few guys sat in the living room watching a football game. A group of young women were on the porch with a hot glue gun and a basket full of ribbons and flowers. I think we were supposed to make a party favor or something for the new baby if we felt the urge.

I offered Mike cash if he would make a craft. Just for a photo op. It was a no-go.

Instead we sat in the mid-life corner, with the rest of our gang of parents of teens, empty nesters, and hip grandparents. We talked about our dogs or our jobs or the next trip we were planning.

I thought about the soon-to-be new parents and the hurricane that was about to hit their household. I thought about what their lives would be like when the diapers didn’t smell remotely like chocolate, and the cute baby headbands made this afternoon would be put away because plastic beads and glue-gunned flowers are choking hazards.

I think I’ve said before, I’m not a bit nostalgic for the baby days. I don’t have the energy for that amount of work on that little sleep, wearing clothing that always manages to attract a stain or four before I can even leave the house.

But I do remember what it felt like, on the verge of something powerful and frightening and hopeful, in the days just prior to the arrival of our first son. I remember praying we had what it took to not screw up in such a way that he’d tell stories about us one day in therapy.

Back when we were still just talking about having kids and one of us was pretty sure we wanted them and the other wasn’t so sure, I remember not being able to put my finger on what the big deal was. You pop out a couple of shrieking gooey, slobbery maniacs, who demand every second of your time, attention and energy, make you broke and cost you sleep. And if you’re lucky they grow up and don’t ask to move back in when they’re broke and may even have a couple of shrieking, gooey, slobbery maniacs of their own.

And then you can sit on a patio with some of your friends and drink mimosas and talk about dogs and trips and jobs and the like.

I’m still trying to find a way to articulate what this all means. The parenting thing. What’s the big deal? Since becoming parents, from moment to moment during the last couple of decades we’ve swung from anxiety so intense it feels like suffocating, to episodes of side-splitting laughter, also often so intense it’s a little like suffocating. We’ve fallen asleep at 8 p.m. on the couch and been woken before dawn the next morning. We’ve coached and chauffeured and chaperoned. We’ve put our foot down. We’ve been too lenient. We’ve taken credit for their successes and sought forgiveness for our failures.

And now that we have a couple of nearly-grown people ready to launch, for better or for worse, their own lives, I still don’t think I can tell you what it all means.

Except they still make us laugh, they still challenge us and worry us and inflate our egos and infuriate us. They still cost us money. They eat all the chips before I can get to them. They put dings in my car and keep dirty dishes in their rooms. We say they’re going to be the death of us, but we’re not as exasperated as much as we’re wondering if, when they finally do leave, we’ll see them nearly as much as we’d like, and if we’ve taught them enough to handle their own shrieking, gooey, slobbery maniacs, and all the other hurdles they’ll face without us.

Our shower gift to the young couple was a small stack of books. If the new parents are lucky, they’ll come to a point where they know every word on every page of those books and others, and the feeling of reading them while half asleep to a little person who turns the pages with pudgy fingers, her hair smelling like that lavender shampoo that’s supposed to make her drowsy.

“More, read more,” she’ll beg, and they’ll relent.

Every single time, they’ll relent. And probably without wondering what it all means.

Beth Markley is a humor writer and fundraising consultant who lives in Boise with her husband and two sons. She now writes regularly on her new website, MidlifeSentence.com (Dispatches from the Crossroads of ‘Been There Done That’ and ‘Oughta Know Better’).

Bringing U.S. liberties to your family

By Sandy McDaniel

July is usually the “free-est” time for children as there is no school, fewer responsibilities and the weather is warm. It is also the month in which we celebrate the Fourth of July. I’ve probably written 30 columns about the dangers of fireworks, the responsibilities of parents, and a little on patriotism. This month my focus is on freedom — how to teach what it means, how to celebrate what it is and how to honor it as a privilege.

The Fourth of July brings all of us together to celebrate, but most people have no idea what we are celebrating. It’s the birth or our nation and our freedom. Those Americans who have never known anything else have no clue what a priceless gift freedom is. Maybe your family can find ways to practice a few freedoms — and if you’re reading this after the Fourth, these freedoms still count:

• Freedom of speech: Ask each of your children what they would change about the way you parent. If someone says something that cannot be changed (such as, “Stop using the Minute Drill”), smile and say, “Thank you for telling me your feelings. That is not something that is going to change.” But be willing to bend, wherever bending will build a bridge between you and your child.

At a family meeting each week, have each child be free to tell another family member something that is bugging them. Be sure each person focuses on behavior, as personal attacks are unkind and therefore unacceptable. An example of what could be talked about would include: “It is upsetting to me when you tease me about my hair, and I want you to stop doing it.” The manner of approaching such a subject is important, too. It is not acceptable to attack. Avoid speaking this way: “You are such a jerk! You think it is funny to tease me, but I think you are mean and I hate you!”

• Freedom to vote: One of our most devalued rights is the right to vote. Tell your kids about the history of voting (Google.com). Have family meetings once a week where kids may vote on pre-determined ideas, not non-negotiable rules and standards. Vote on what game to play, what movie to watch, etc.

• Freedom to be unique: One of the ways we inhibit children is by comparing them to other people. In doing so we kill individuality and invite a child to be like every other child. No two people are alike. Help your children to value their uniqueness by celebrating it. “There’s no one just like you” is a painted plate I have in my kitchen, given to me by my daughter Kathleen when she was 10. If Kathleen valued that concept in me, chances were good she would grow up to be her own person. (Trust me, at 48 now she has totally claimed that place.) Words like “One of the things I love about you is that you are kind” acknowledge the work your child is doing on being unique.

• Freedom to live in a safe environment: Everyone in your family needs to be kind. There needs to be zero tolerance and immediate consequences for ANY unkind act. Although I recommend the Minute Drill (see parentingsos.com), I’m going to teach the Penalty Box for this training. For hitting, disrespect or unkindness, a child is sent to the Penalty Box for as many minutes as they are old. The challenging part to teach is that a sound cannot be made when the child is in the Penalty Box. If the child talks, screams or gets up, the time starts over — and over and over, until the child sits there quietly.

The Penalty box needs to be a chair or place that is always the same. In the beginning, a parent takes a child to the Penalty Box. Once the child is familiar with the location, the child will just walk to the Penalty Box, sit and be quiet.

If your family chooses to take on the zero unkindness rule, you can have a set amount of time (3 minutes for little people, 5 minutes for other children). If one child makes an unkind comment, you say, “Penalty Box, right now.” One child trips another child — “Penalty Box!” A child throws a toy at another child — “Penalty Box!”

Lastly, in our country you have the freedom to parent your way; what other parents think of you is none of your business. You are the architect of a human being’s life. Choose well.

For more than 54 years, Sandy has been an international speaker and recognized authority on families and children. Author of five books, columnist, founder of parentingsos.com, she is a resident of Meridian and loves spending time with her three Idaho grandchicks. Semi-retired, she speaks to schools, churches, and MOPS groups and provides parent coaching sessions in person and on the phone. She is available for parenting talks/trainings in the Treasure Valley and may be reached at sandy@parentingsos.com. Also, go to YouTube: Sandy Spurgeon McDaniel to see videos on specific parenting issues.